My Theme Song

Surrounded by the darkness
I lay in this bed, still
Uncomforted and abandoned
Sleepless.

Let out of captivity, the tears are released
If only I could cry out the fear
Cry out the confusion
The hopelessness that I feel.

Quivering lips form the words
“God, why have you forsaken me?”
Hearing no answer back.
The night resumes, black and quiet.

The light bends through the blinds
And awakes a restless soul.
Start by feeding off of the freshness that a new day brings
That only tarnishes as the hours go by.

Is there an answer?
The frigid wind says yes
The black bead of a birds eye says yes
My heart says there has to be

In praise and worship today we sang “You Never Let Go.” If I had to choose a theme song, this one would definitely do the trick. Memories flooded my mind of the darkest time of my life, the things that transpired and the person I have become because of it. I wrote the poem above on October 24, 2007. I never gave up the hope that one day I would wake up and feel peace, but I seemed to wake up to the same demons every morning. Lies, deceit, turmoil, hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, sheer darkness.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear.” I was not only literally walking through the valley of death, but I felt as though I was spiritually and emotionally. I had never felt so lonely and forsaken in my entire life. Hindsight, I see what that time was preparing me for. I was being prepared for what it really meant to be alone. I learned that my faith was stronger than I even knew, I was in the ultimate test of faith. No more just telling God, “hey, I trust you” but this time, I had to live it out. I remember waking up one morning and praying for my Mom, but then something spoke to me and told me to “pray for MY (His) will.” … And so I did.

“And even though I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I wont turn back, I know you are near.” It wasn’t particularly easy at times to remember that He was near. I didn’t feel Him. Praying was difficult during that time, but I will forever be thankful for those who interceded on my behalf. During my senior year of high school, I built an alter where God had changed my life forever. I could look back to that point and remember the power that I felt. God was so real to me. That alter gave me hope and gave me the strength to muddle through another day.

“Oh no, you never let go. Through the calm, through the storm…In every high, in every low, Lord you never let go of me.” He never let go of me. Through the days that I thought I couldn’t go another step, I was wrapped in angel’s wings. Safe from destruction, safe from the storm. He never left me. His love is everlasting; His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

“And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare.” Just like He never let go of me, I never let go of Him. I wrote this on January 14, 2008 and it summed up my experience. Oh but the ending! That’s what really matters, the final outcome! This was my turning point, I knew then that I would make it!

Shifting through sand
Up to the ankles
Head dancing in circles
Feet dragging behind.

“Keep up! Keep up!”
I beg of them
Dance, feet! They are all watching.
They refuse to listen.

Continuing to trudge along on the cumbersome journey,
The sand continues to get thicker
Water is now being welcomed to the mix
And I'm now knee deep in a muddy battle.

Not even worried about dancing anymore
I just want to stay standingI plead for them to stay strong
Hold me, don't give out yet!
Just a little bit longer to endure.

Hands reach out.
Mustering strength, I lunge forward
In all attempt to grasp a tangible help
They jerk their hands back
Jeering at my failed attempts.

Hot tears fill my eyes
And just when I think that its hopeless
Warm breath creates goosebumps on my neck
Its the reassuring breath of my Master.

He reminds me of the song that I have sung so many times
The one I sang but didn't fully grasp the concept
And he whispers...
"Come up higher and hear the angels sing
Come up higher my beloved
Come up higher and leave this world behind
You'll find me to be beautiful."

And I began to run.
Through the thick slop,
I ran.