Dear Jesus,

Tonight I put aside eloquence, I just have to tell you some things that are real and simple. I am sorry that these thoughts are jumbled, but I offer them as a prayer and thanksgiving unto You.

I‘ve had hard times in life, but I am so thankful. I know You. I seek more of You while some don’t even know what its like to feel Your love. Even when I don’t feel You near, I have the assuredness that You are there. I cant imagine going through life not knowing the Source of Life, the Peace Maker, the Way Maker. Help me to be grateful. Help me to share You.

This Earth is so complex and the hurt is so real. Help me to feel their hurt, help me point them to You. Show them how valuable and talented they truly are. Restore lost hope. Restore lost dreams.

Help me to be sensitive to those around me, help me affect lives by exhibiting You.
Help me to realize and be thankful for the small things- laughter, love, oceans, stars, reality escaping sleep-that in all actuality, are big things.

God, please open doors in my life. I would like to take a grand tour of your creation, and hopefully along the way find out I contributed more than I have taken. You have put me here for a reason. Help me to know. I will not let You down.

Thank you for giving me eyes to see beyond pleasure and pain. Thank you for teaching me through the best times and through disappointment. Help me to remain malleable in your hands.

Thank you for being there when I thought I wouldn’t want to go on if Mom left my side. Now that she is with you, I have Your peace. Peace that I never knew until I had to say goodbye. Thank you for things indescribable. You are such a comforter. Your strenth has carried me. Father to the fatherless, Friend to the friendless. You are. You are.

I want to stay in Your refuge always. Keep giving me dreams, I love them. Help me keep the faith, that through You, they will become reality. For now, I will deal with processes because I cant wait to see Your plans for my life unfold.

I love you always. Always. Always.
Kensie

Extreme Dreams

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not the typical dreamer. I’m an extreme dreamer. I have the LONGEST list of dreams and desires that I am determined to dabble in sometime in my lifespan. My soul is tearing at the seams with ambition… I’m actually at the point where the word ‘ambition’ just won’t suffice. I’d say it’s more like a hunger that will never be suppressed. This hunger has even been more “pushy” on my spirit lately… almost like a continuous electrical charge, driving me and stimulating my crave for the next adventure. My dreams run free and deep. Some call them crazy. Some call ME crazy, but in the end, I will never regret the life I have lived. I will never take for granted the freedom I feel. I refuse to tame the intense drive within me to not only live life, but live the ultimate. I will not neglect God's devine will for my life and I will not fall short of the capacity at which God wants to use me.

Occasionally we share dreams with those who don’t quite understand the power of dreams. When the inevitable encounter occurs, be sure to remember these things … We are children of God and he empowers us to do WHATEVER desire God places in our hearts! There will be those who will try to speak negativity into our lives. By allowing this to happen, we give others the control to dictate our future. We crawl into the passenger seat, surrendering the wheel to a person who will drive our future down a road called Mediocrity Lane.

We can sometimes become our own worst enemy when it comes to putting a cap on our dreams. Negativity produced by our own selves is derived from our defense mechanism. A wall of self defense can be designed to protect us from possible failure. Anyone that we allow to add to our created negativity will add to that wall, increasing the support of negative thoughts and strengthening the wall built up in our own minds.

You may say “I’m past the years of dreaming” …"it’s too late for me”… or “I’m too old.” ...FALSE. You are never too old to start living. Dig up those old dreams and pursue them! Surround yourself with people that believe in you. Surround yourself with those who believe in the impossible. Surround yourself with the ones that believe in the beauty and the power of dreams!

Cupcakes for Missions!

There are two types of givers: givers and exceptional givers.

It has been proven that Louisiana Tech University has a slew of exceptional givers! The Venue (on-campus ministry) put together Cupcakes for Missions, accepting donations to send to The ACTS Bible School in the Philippines.

The event was a true success despite the skepticism about accepting donations in exchange for sweets on a college campus. Let’s face it, most college kids feel that they don’t have two pennies to rub together, but it was evident that God moved on the hearts of many to give more than usual. As I sat behind that booth, I witnessed many students drop 10s and 20s into the donation bag for one cupcake. I was truly amazed.

We often feel the world around us is so very wicked, and it is, but it blessed me to see God’s love being shown through the giving of others. People gave of their money to perfect strangers living 10,000 miles away… and they gave cheerfully, with happy hearts!

Thanks to the sweet tooth and loving hearts of Techsters, we raised $300!!! Thank you Jesus!

I had a blast getting to meet and talk with students I had never met before. This is Peace, she is an international student and also a track member. She came back twice, then stayed around for the longest to talk about her experience of school in other countries. She said that Americans are blessed beyond measure. I believe her! Peace also said that seeing this event sparked inspiration in her to do something for a cause.

This girl pulled her boyfriend over to our booth and leaned over to whisper "donate!" It was cute.

Just getting set up! The lady in the back knows my life story and I know hers (and she has my order memorized :)

Brittany with her Philippine flag cupcake!

James with his flag cupcake.

(Callie and more Tech students)

My Theme Song

Surrounded by the darkness
I lay in this bed, still
Uncomforted and abandoned
Sleepless.

Let out of captivity, the tears are released
If only I could cry out the fear
Cry out the confusion
The hopelessness that I feel.

Quivering lips form the words
“God, why have you forsaken me?”
Hearing no answer back.
The night resumes, black and quiet.

The light bends through the blinds
And awakes a restless soul.
Start by feeding off of the freshness that a new day brings
That only tarnishes as the hours go by.

Is there an answer?
The frigid wind says yes
The black bead of a birds eye says yes
My heart says there has to be

In praise and worship today we sang “You Never Let Go.” If I had to choose a theme song, this one would definitely do the trick. Memories flooded my mind of the darkest time of my life, the things that transpired and the person I have become because of it. I wrote the poem above on October 24, 2007. I never gave up the hope that one day I would wake up and feel peace, but I seemed to wake up to the same demons every morning. Lies, deceit, turmoil, hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, sheer darkness.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear.” I was not only literally walking through the valley of death, but I felt as though I was spiritually and emotionally. I had never felt so lonely and forsaken in my entire life. Hindsight, I see what that time was preparing me for. I was being prepared for what it really meant to be alone. I learned that my faith was stronger than I even knew, I was in the ultimate test of faith. No more just telling God, “hey, I trust you” but this time, I had to live it out. I remember waking up one morning and praying for my Mom, but then something spoke to me and told me to “pray for MY (His) will.” … And so I did.

“And even though I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I wont turn back, I know you are near.” It wasn’t particularly easy at times to remember that He was near. I didn’t feel Him. Praying was difficult during that time, but I will forever be thankful for those who interceded on my behalf. During my senior year of high school, I built an alter where God had changed my life forever. I could look back to that point and remember the power that I felt. God was so real to me. That alter gave me hope and gave me the strength to muddle through another day.

“Oh no, you never let go. Through the calm, through the storm…In every high, in every low, Lord you never let go of me.” He never let go of me. Through the days that I thought I couldn’t go another step, I was wrapped in angel’s wings. Safe from destruction, safe from the storm. He never left me. His love is everlasting; His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

“And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare.” Just like He never let go of me, I never let go of Him. I wrote this on January 14, 2008 and it summed up my experience. Oh but the ending! That’s what really matters, the final outcome! This was my turning point, I knew then that I would make it!

Shifting through sand
Up to the ankles
Head dancing in circles
Feet dragging behind.

“Keep up! Keep up!”
I beg of them
Dance, feet! They are all watching.
They refuse to listen.

Continuing to trudge along on the cumbersome journey,
The sand continues to get thicker
Water is now being welcomed to the mix
And I'm now knee deep in a muddy battle.

Not even worried about dancing anymore
I just want to stay standingI plead for them to stay strong
Hold me, don't give out yet!
Just a little bit longer to endure.

Hands reach out.
Mustering strength, I lunge forward
In all attempt to grasp a tangible help
They jerk their hands back
Jeering at my failed attempts.

Hot tears fill my eyes
And just when I think that its hopeless
Warm breath creates goosebumps on my neck
Its the reassuring breath of my Master.

He reminds me of the song that I have sung so many times
The one I sang but didn't fully grasp the concept
And he whispers...
"Come up higher and hear the angels sing
Come up higher my beloved
Come up higher and leave this world behind
You'll find me to be beautiful."

And I began to run.
Through the thick slop,
I ran.

A Look at Natural Science

Yet another late night production! This time the insomnia is not coffee induced, but simply an effort to continue the delay of studying. Since my blog name makes reference to dreaming, I will try to start off with some sort of statement or story of my dreams/daydreaming. Some say that dreams are a recollection of the last thoughts processed before dozing off, or possibly reoccurring thoughts of the day. Yesterday, I dreamt that I went to the hospital to see a friend’s new arrival. When I got there, she held out her palm and in it laid her bundle of joy. As folded back the flaps of a very small, stiff blanket (resembling a dinner napkin), I gasped in horror. It was a piece of soggy toast! My dream ended by her promising that the baby would eventually take form. I woke up wondering, “Kenz, what is wrong with your brain? You have got to get out more if THAT is your last thoughts at night.” Yes I just wasted 5 seconds or more of your life (depending on how fast of a reader you are), but I can only hope that you are about to recover them.

So seriously, on to my thoughts of the day… The Mariana Trench. This trench is located in the Pacific Ocean, near the island of Guam. The deepest point of the trench is known as the Challenger Deep and is almost 7 miles below sea level. To put that in reference terms, imagine shaving Mt. Everest off the surface of the Earth and throwing it into the Mariana Trench, it would disappear and leave its tip more than a mile below the ocean surface. The pressure at the bottom of the trench is approximately 1,000x the atmospheric pressure at sea level. If human were exposed to that much pressure, we would implode in fractions of a second , but yet there are creatures and microorganisms with unique adaptations allowing them to thrive in the extreme cold and pressure.

I was pretty amazed at that and began to speculate the vastness of this Earth. The Earth’s circumference is 131,480,184 feet. I stand at a towering 5’7 (5.58 ft.). Ladies and gents, if you were to line Kensie’s head to toe around the circumference, that would equal 23,562,756.99 Kensies!

All of that to say, I am quite small in this world, but nonetheless, I have the attention of a God that is bigger than this Earth, bigger than this universe, bigger my brain can conceive. A God that cares for me. A God that cares about not only my future, but about the petty things that I stress about.

I am also reminded of the scripture in Romans 8, “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, NOR HEIGHT, NOR DEPTH, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” … Not even those dark places in our lives that seem deeper than the Mariana Trench, the places where we feel hopeless and feel the bleak conditions we are in couldn’t possibly sustain life. We have a God whose love reaches to those depths! The times when we feel like the weight and pressure of the world is on our shoulders. We have a God who is ready to take on our baggage and weights that we try to manage on our own!

Oh how He is more than enough!

Late Night Creation

Hello and welcome to my late night creation! I decided to celebrate the end of 21 days of fasting with a grande skinny latte (with 2 Splenda of course, just the way I like it) from Starbucks. An entire month has passed since my last cup of heaven on earth. My taste buds rejoiced and the warm, sweet perfection brought me to a state of bliss. I guess you can say that I am slightly passionate about coffee. Slightly. Well, needless to say, I am paying for the indulgence now. It is 12:30am and I'm sleepless. With numerous things on my mind and only one way to to somehow sort through it all, here I am!

Just an introduction to me, the real me, Kensie Leann. I am a 21 year old student, believing that this roller coaster called college will eventually pay off. Medical Technology is my field of study and the stereotype of a shy lab rat suits me quite well. I have a terrific, supportive family and have a few individuals that I am privileged to call my friends. I dream constantly and am so thankful that i can trust God's will over my own, for my future is dense with dreams far bigger than myself. If God is truely going to surpass my expecations for my future, then wow, I have an incredibly future ahead. Life has been pretty wild, but I have found God's strength around every corner and found His supply to be endless. Yes, I am just sprout, but I feel like I found wisdom through these life experiences. Hopefully I can share little tid-bits of encouragement or simply stir up dust on a road already traveled.

I feel a little timid while writing this first blog, like meeting someone for the first time. Silly, I know. I do look forward to unveiling a piece of me, a piece of my heart, with each of you.

Work and school will be waiting for me in a few short hours, so for now, Painging Her Reverie is adjourned!